It's About Time
by Stretch Snodgrass
Summary: Four years have gone by since astronauts Mackenzie and Canfield brought their stone-age friends to the present. Although it was touch and go for awhile, everything seems to have sorted itself through. That is until a crisis threatens to expose Shad and her family - and put Mac and Hec in front of a firing squad. Dr. Smith, Dr. Bellows and Tim O"Hara appear. Reviews appreciated.
1. Shad At Home

**Chapter One Shad At Home**

 _It's about time, it's about flight,_

 _Travelling faster than the speed of light._

 _It's about time, it's about space,_

 _About cave people in the strangest place,_

 _About cave people and the brave crew,_

 _As through the barrier of time they flew,_

 _Past the Roman Senator,,_

 _Past an armoured knight,_

 _Past the fighting minutemen,_

 _To this modern site._

 _It's about time for you and me,_

 _To meet these people from a million B.C._

 _It's about two astronauts, and how they educate,_

 _A prehistoric women, and her prehistoric mate,_

 _It's about time for you to see_

 _How these people from a million BC_

 _Adapted to the time of you and me!_

 _Here in the amazing 20th century!_

 _ **For now four years have passed**_

 _Since the astronauts have realized to tell of their friends' prehistoric origins,_

 _Would to their guests be a terrible fate,_

 _Shad and her family would be examined and poked by scientists_

 _Til their dying date! (1)_

 _But here is how, at last, our visitors ceased to be,_

 _The guests of our two astronauts who travelled to a million BC._

 _ **Was a happy ending, or was it a catastrophe?**_

 _It's about time!_

* * *

Shad should have been having a great day. There was a lot of excitement about, what with all the good news coming from all directions.

Why, Shad had been having the best time she'd ever had since Mac and Hec took her and her family over the hill with them.

An even better than when Hec took her to a "store". There, by trading little green pieces of paper and little disks of metal, she could get all sorts of food, clothes and other interesting odds and ends. For a long time, Hec and Mac went with Shad as Shad was always unclear exactly how much green paper the storekeeper needed.

It was even more confusing as there were several different kinds of green paper, some worth more than others!

The storekeeper once asked Mac if he wanted to get Shad "credit". Mac said "No!". In fact, he said "no" very loudly! So Shad went, and continued to give the little green papers to the man or woman at the machine that ringed and dinged.

Machines! It had been a long time since Mac explained to her what a machine was. It was something built by this strange group of people over the hill to help them, or entertain them, or do _something_.

Machines weren't animals at all. But they were interesting, and there were so many kinds. There were lights that turned on with switched - glowing through see-through bulbs. There were picture-boxes to watch. There were boxes to keep food cold and boxes to warm it up. The machines had made the very clothes she was wearing.

It was a "faux fur" dress. Whatever a faux was, Shad didn't know. But it was the only kind of fur Mac said they could get. It was softer and more comfortable than her older hides she had taken with her from the village.

The "faux" was also in the style of the people over here, so Shad could go anywhere she wanted without people staring or paying attention. Of course, Shad along with the rest of her family had to take some time to agree to where the funny clothes Mac and Hec liked. But, now that Shad was used to it, they weren't bad at all. (2)

If only Gronk thought differently! He'd been pestering Shad all morning.

"Why you wear those silly furs!" said Gronk, bitterly. "You have nice fur I hunted for you in bedroom!"

Gronk had been watching the picture box calling television, but his favourite "show" wasn't on any more and that annoyed him.

"That very nice fur" said Shad, diplomatically. "But no good to wear fur husband Gronk hunted for me all the time. Fur wear out! And there no place near here to hunt new fur."

"There nothing here" said Gronk dismissively. "What's a great hunter to do here?"

"Help Shad in "apartment" of Mac and Hec. Just because we're going to move to new home don't make it a reason for us not to keep apartment clean!"

The apartment wasn't the original one bedroom furnished apartment rented from the apoplectic Mr. Tyler. It was a larger three-bedroom furnished apartment, though still in the same building - meaning that Mr. Tyler was still apoplectic about the cave family, though he had far less occasion to be outraged than in years past.

The place was still tight quarters for so many people. As a girl had to have her room, and a married couple likewise, the arrangement was obvious. Gronk and Shad had their own room, Mlor had hers. And for the last four years, Breer, Mac and Hec each had a bunk in the last room.

"I feel like I'm bunking in a berth on a destroyer" Hec had complained to Mac.

"Well, it's the only way we can afford it" Mac had observed. "That's if we want any money left over for us."

And speaking of Hec . . . .

"Silly for father to move in with daughter and soon-to-be son-in-law" complained Gronk. "Hec should move in with us!"

"Hec already living with us" said Shad. "We and Breer moving into big new "house" with him. Hec show Mlor house himself."

Shad picked up a newspaper ad for a new split-level home.

"Very nice looking house-cave"

"This silly custom!" said Gronk, disapprovingly. "Besides, silly "house" made of wood. Burn down if catch on fire. Why Hec buy?"

"It much bigger than apartment" Shad explained. "Hec can marry Mlor, they can have privacy, they can have children, and have space for brother-in-law Breer and father-in-law Gronk and mother-in-law Shad too."

"Gronk don't know if Mlor should marry Hec" said Gronk. "He back out of marriage before." (3)

"That marriage under custom of our village" observed Shad. "Here, it much easier on husband. No build wall, no taste yuck soup. Besides, Hec and Mlor very happy around each other.

Happier as time goes by. Hec spend years looking at picture he take of Mlor, talk to himself when he think no one around:

 _Shad imitated Hec's voice._

"Should I marry Mlor?

A cavegirl?

But what a cavegirl! Sweet, beautiful. Besides, I would have married her "back-on-the-other-side-of-the-hill" if the basic training wasn't so tough!

And people are people! And a girl's a girl! _Especially_ a girl like Mlor!

Mrs. Hector Canfield?

Yeah, yeah. I'll ask. Soon as I get my promotion and can support her!

Eventually Hec say, "maybe sooner." "I don't think I can wait." But then Hec and Mac each get "promotion." Hec take Mlor to dinner, come home, ask for her hand. Gronk say yes, Hec can take whole of Mlor! Both engaged to be married. Mlor very happy. Breer, happy. Shad, very, very happy. Soon see grandkids!

"Bah" said Gronk. "Weddings ceremonies over hill silly. Customs all backwards here. Still wish we were back home on our side of hill."

"Boss and Clon try to kill us for stealing stone from idol" reminded Shad. "Besides Mac explain. When we go into flying machine of astronauts, we don't just go over hill. We go way, way over the hill and can only use machine to get back! Mac and Hec don't have machine anymore, and besides machine very very hard to fly back to other side of hill. They don't know if they can do it!

Besides, Shad no longer want to go back. No longer want to go back for long time now. It nice here, food good, even though no real dinosaur, mastodon, or giant kookoorooka birds to cook."

"Them only things worth cooking" observed Gronk

"You make chicken _just_ right, it can taste like dinosaur, mastadon or kookoorooka" Shad pointed out.

"Still not the real thing" said Gronk.

"Oh Gronkie" sighed Shad. "When will Gronkie be happy to be on this side of hill?"

* * *

Notes

(1) In "Our Brothers' Keepers," Mac and Hec decide to keep the news of their friends arrival secret as otherwise they'll be taken to Washington for tests.

(2) In "The Stone Age Diplomats", Shad and the rest of the family prove reluctant to wear modern clothes.

(2) "To Sign or Not to Sign" sees Shad and Gronk unknowingly spend a fortune by signing for the goods of various salespersons.

(3) "Have I Got A Girl For You"


	2. Major Plans

**Chapter Two Major Plans**

"Major Mac Mackenzie, that's alliteration for you" observed the reporter as he took down his guide's name. "But that's okay. At the _Los Angeles Sun_ we like alliteration."

"Well, given how long I was Captain Mac Mackenzie waiting for the promotion to major, long live alliteration" said Mac jokingly, as he escorted the reporter out of the building.

Given that the Air Force thought that the Scorpio E-X-1 flight had led to him and Hector going completely bonkers with their story of a trip to one million B.C., it was a relief to know his career was back on track.

* * *

And there was something else in Mac's life that was on track.

Major Mac left the space center, driving his convertible into Beverly Hills, where he drove down a long private driveway to a luxurious mansion. Hector, the goofball, had joked his superior officer spent his time in Beverly Hills with Elly May Clampett. No, it was a run-of-the-mill heiress Mac was dating, raven haired beauty Pamela Yates.

Mac and Pamela had been serious for almost a year now, serious enough to have already appeared in the _Sun'_ s society column. "The heiress and the astronaut". Enough to be well-recognized that afternoon as the two went for an early dinner at the Beverly Hills Hotel.

That dinner would have been enough to empty Mac's pocketbook, but Shad had always insisted that some of the "green papers" the cave family received from their brief time singing "Dinosaur Stew" as the "Cave Family Swingers" (1) went to their friends.

It was always an interesting argument, trying to decline that money. Mac and Hec felt a responsibility to refrain from using their guests' funds as much as they could. - but it was tempting just to give in and let them pay the bills.

Pamela knew this, and admired Mac for it. In fact, Pamela and Mac knew almost everything there was about one other, and their friends. It had been hard to hide the Gronk family's origin from Pamela's discerning gaze. It eventually proved that there was no need. Pamela was discreet. Not only that, but she was no snob in the vein of the Mrs. Drysdales of the world, and was very interested in the affairs of the Gronksons, as she called them.

Breer had originally registered in school under the name "Sonofgronk", but Mac figured Gronkson would be a _better_ name to remain registered under at school and use on the family's, well, unconventionally-obtained ID papers.

* * *

"I want you to tell me the truth" Pamela asked Mac. "You would have dated Mlor if you could had beat Hector to it"

"We astronauts are trained to answer truthfully. I would" admitted Mac plainly. "But things just worked out the way they did. I passed up the chance to be engaged to her in one million BC, it went to Hector. I passed up the chance to challenge Boss's son for her, it fell to Hector. While I was calling the base after we returned to the twentieth century, Hector was in the kitchen showing Mlor how to get water - and explaining about the mysteries of ice cream sundaes." (2)

"Ice cream?" asked Pamela.

"That's Hec and Mlor's favourite activity" said Mac, amused. "Not dancing, not the drive-in theatre, just talking - and necking - over ice cream. Would you have guessed it?"

"No"

"Well, when they finally went to the ice cream parlour they were as good as hooked and I hadn't much chance to force my way in" shrugged Mac. "It bothered me for awhile, but unlike Hector and Mlor, I think an astronaut should spare time for more sophisticated things in life."

"I don't think you ought to leave the family to Hec" said Pamela abruptly.

"They're going to be his in-laws in a couple weeks" observed Mac. "They're just from, well, the old-old country. Hector's not going to leave Mlor's side any more than he has to. Breer's pretty much a modern kid now, and can help look after his folks. Shad gets along well. The only one who's difficult these days is Gronk.

Pamela, it's a lot different from what it used to be. When we brought them "over-the-hill," they couldn't even cross the street by themselves. Why, I remember how a few months after we returned, Hector and I had to leave the family with Mr. Tyler for a few weeks when we called over to the cape. Talk about a disaster."

"I think it's your duty to keep watching after them" said Pamela. "Think of all the times Shad and Gronk have saved your lives."

"I'm not abandoning them" explained Mac. "They're still our good friends. Just that with Hec, they're also going to be family. After four years, we're all going to be able to start getting along with our lives."

"Meaning?" hinted Pamela.

"That . . . that'll take some thought" said Mac, ignoring Pamela's hint. "They're be more time for everything."

"Well" said Pamela shortly. "That's a start. It's about time you started thinking about the future."

Notes

(1) The Cave Family Swingers

(2) Have I Got a Girl For You, The Stowaway, Twentieth Century Here We Come. I believe, given the events of the series, Mlor eventually married Hec instead of Mac.


	3. Split Level Cave

Chapter Three **Split-Level Cave**

Captain Hector Canfield beamed as he showed the beautiful, blonde Mlor (strange she should be the daughter of the very nice, but very plain Mrs. Shad!) the new house he had picked out.

Their new house with a painful down-payment and many, many years of mortgage payments to come.

Hector had thought a captain's salary would carry him far in buying a house - but it turned out he would have to take a loan from his mother in Riverview, Ohio to make the down payment.

How humiliating! Hector an astronaut and now a middle-aged man of 32!

And there'd be no more pocketing what was left of the residuals from "Dinosaur Stew". Mac and Hec agreed that the only fair thing to do was make sure the money kept going to Gronk, Shad and Breer. It was their song, after all . . . and Mlor was Hector's responsibility.

Technically, Hector hadn't even bought the house yet. Hector was waiting on Mlor's approval. It was really a formality . . . Mlor believed the husband should be the one to pick out a cave - or a house, or an apartment, or whatever.

But Hector didn't hold with such stone-aged thinking. Mlor would have a chance to decide for herself.

So that's why Mlor was now touring the house with Hec, dressed as modernly and as chicly as Hec's salary could afford. The real estate agent had been a little perplexed by Mlor, though not so much. Hector had told her the truth . . . well, part of it . . . Mlor had only come to Los Angeles four years ago and her grasp of English wasn't that great.

Fortunately, Hector, as an air-force officer, was trustworthy enough to be left alone with his fiancee in the house. It gave him the pleasure of showing his wife-to-be the house _alone_ , and he didn't have to have the rather nosy woman watching Mlor with eyebrows raised. _That_ really got on his nerves _._

It was a fine blue house on a knoll, with aluminum siding. From the front it looked like a bungalow, but the back was split. The second floor master bedroom had a fine balcony, while the lower level opened directly on the back garden.

At the front, when you went in, was a large living and dining room, and off to the side a fine kitchen.

"Very nice living room" said Mlor. "Beautiful glass window looking on front of street."

"Yeah" said Hector. "Nice lawn, isn't it?"

"Lawn, Hec?" asked Mlor.

"Oh, yeah, I haven't told you" said Hector. "A lawn, it's what we call this patch of grass around the house. See, it's all mown, that's cut, down nice and even.

"Very neat" said Mlor.

They went to the kitchen, Mlor exploring the room and looking about the appliances that would have confused her just a few short years before.

"Very good to make dinner for family" observed Mlor. "Better than kitchen in apartment."

"Here's our rooms" said Hector, taking her along a hallway to the main bedroom area.

"And when children come" said Mlor, looking into one or two small rooms off to the side, "we have room for them."

"Plenty!" said Hec smiling. "Their own rooms - well, for our first couple kids at least."

One of Hec's nightmares, early-on, when dreaming about marrying Mlor, was the result of a not-so subconscious fear. Fear that he'd become the father of several cave-children.

" _Hello, Mlor" said Hec, in his dream, stereotypically dressed in suit and hat._

 _"So glad to see husband Hec" said beautiful Mlor in her old, tight leopard-skin fur, hugging and kissing her husband._

 _So far, so great._

 _"Children happy to see father Hec" said Mlor._

 _"Where are they?" asked Hec._

 _Several cave kids would popup._

 _"Father play catch" said one of his sons._

 _"Okay, just let me get the baseball and glove" said Hec._

 _"Not with baseball!" said the boy. "Baseball for wimps. With boulder."_

 _Hec's son threw a boulder at him, knocking him off his feet._

 _"Mother teach Glop how to cook" said his eldest daughter._

 _"Why did we name our daughter Glop?" said Hec, to no one in particular._

 _"Here" said his daughter, stuffing a spoon full of some sickening mush down his throat._

 _"What's that?" asked Hec._

 _"Toadstool stew, made from brightly coloured mushrooms" said Glop._

 _"That's poisonous!" said Hec. "I've got to get to a hospital!"_

 _"Not poisonous for Mlor and children" observed Mlor. "Not Glop's fault Hec so weak and pitiful."_

 _"I am not" said Hec, angrily. "I'm . . . I'm the toughest astronaut in the space program. That's why you married me!"_

 _"What do astronauts do anyway?" asked Hec's eldest son. "Want to respect father . . . but he don't do nothing."_

 _"I told you before what I did!" said Hec furiously. "I go up into the air in a, a, giant flying animal - and, uh, way, way, way up, clear past most of the atmosphere into outer space! "_

 _"Astronaut must be evil spirit!" said Hec's oldest son. "Kill evil spirit! Clon club evil spirit!"_

 _"Why did we name you Clon?" said Hec, backing away from the boy with the giant club._

 _"So he can kill evil spirit like Clon did, back on other side of hill" said Mlor. (2)_

 _Hec was corned as his entire family brandished clubs._

"I sure hated those stupid dreams" muttered Hec to himself, as he continued to show Mlor around.

"What Hec say?" asked Mlor.

"Nothing" said Hec. "Only that I'm sure we'll have the best kids and a real happy family."

There were many reasons why the dream was stupid. For one thing, their kids would be brought up in the twentieth century like Hector had. They'd be perfectly modern. It wasn't as if they'd be dummies. It was clear that Mlor and her family were, when educated, as smart as anybody else.

It had, after all, been Shad and Gronk who saved their necks several times back in the stone age.

Nor was Mlor going to hurt Hector for any reason.

Besides, Hector wore a air force uniform to work. He'd never wear a plain, ordinary business suit!

"Here" said Hec, showing Mlor the bottom split, "is where we have another living room, one opening out on the back garden."

"Very pretty" observed Mlor. "Beautiful trees give shade to sit in.

"And there's a couple bedrooms off to the side, so your folks . . . um"

"Folks mean parents, mother Shad and father Gronk" Mlor nodded. "Hec tell me long time ago."

"Yeah, I did" said Hec. "Your folks and Breer can have the rooms down here."

"That great" Mlor observed. "Mother, Father and brother Breer close but on separate floor so Mlor and Hec have lots of big house to self when come back from honeymoon."

That was the idea. Hec secretly would have preferred to marry Mlor and leave her family (fond of them as he was) with Mac, or even in their own home. But a captain's got to do, what a captain's got to do.

It wouldn't be fair or practical any other way. So Hector was resigned to living with his future mother and father-in-law for the rest of his life.

Hec and Mlor took a brief tour of the laundry and furnace rooms (Mlor was familiar with laundry, Hec had a little explaining to do about the heating and the central air) then went and walked around the back yard.

"So, you like it" asked Hec.

"It beautiful place to live" said Mlor. "Nicer than anywhere on this or that side of hill. You get, Hec?"

" _We_ get" smiled Hec.

It figured the two'd stop at an ice cream parlour before going to the lawyer's office.

Yes, things couldn't be any better for Hector and Mlor. Mac. Shad.

But it was, oddly enough, the member of Gronk's family that had adjusted the best to the twentieth century, Breer "Gronkson", who would endanger everyone's good fortune . . . and their lives.

Notes

(1) Hec mentions a few times over the series that he's twenty-eight, i.e. "The Great Copper Caper"

(2) Clon is Boss's enforcer/executioner. Back in One Million B.C., the astronauts regularly faced the threat of execution for one reason or another i.e. Androcles and Clon.


	4. You Can Take The Boy from the Cave

Chapter Four **You Can Take The Boy from the Cave . . . .**

Breer was just as miserable as his father Gronk.

There Breer was, sitting in his jalopy. Just sitting there. Breer was usually proud he was the only member of his family who could drive. And he could drive about as well as any other sixteen-year-old Californian.

But Breer didn't care about that achievement right now. He was nostalgically holding the wooden club he had took with him from One Million B.C. Every knothole and stone-carved niche once so familiar to him.

His father Gronk had made him that club, back when things were so different. It hadn't gotten all that much use. Breer'd probably have had a larger one by now, maybe a full-sized club depending on what Shad would say about it. But Breer'd be a warrior in his village instead of going to the future with Mac and Hec.

Breer had been the only one in his family told the _entire_ truth about his side the hill _vis a vis_ Mac and Hec's side.

Breer remembered when Hec thought it would be a brilliant idea to show him the _Flintstones_. He remembered watching awestruck at the cartoon family's strange world where life in Breer's home village was mixed-up hopelessly with life like it was in Mac and Hec's time.

Breer'd never forget when Mac took him to the Museum of Natural History. If Breer hadn't been tough, his knees would have given out to learn that the world he had known had died one million years ago. As it was, his reaction, his shock - his shaking knees and grey-white face was why Shad, Gronk and Mlor were only ever told they had travelled to a land far away.

Breer approved of this deception. If, even after having been to school, he was shocked, imagine how his parents and his sister Mlor would react? Sometimes he even wished he hadn't been told. And, after all, even on this "side of the hill" nobody really understood or believed in time travel.

Breer not only went to school, but was made the victim of Mac and Hec's attempts to force a full education into his mind. And that wasn't easy, when you spent the first twelve years of your life in the stone age. Luckily, he had been excited about the modern world. He was smart, like his mother Shad. So he was relatively quick (1) to cobble together a basic understanding of the modern world and life in it.

Once you had the basic picture, it was a little easier filling in the details - as Mac had once explained.

But then, missing your first five grades isn't something you can easily make up - even with school by day and constant tutoring by night with Mac or Hec. But, amazingly, in most subjects he managed to get by with a B-minus or better. Enough to be admitted to college, by the skin of his teeth no less, but an achievement which Mac and Hec congratulated themselves on.

"They con-grat-u-late each other more than they congratulate me" thought Breer. "And . . . I . . . was the one who was born a million years ago!"

Breer angrily put his club down and frowned.

Like his mother and sister, he had agreed to wear modern clothes after a few months. Although his friends on "his-side-of-the-hill" would have laughed at him, his fur clothes made him sick out like a sore thumb. Even after some of his new friends got their own cave clothes in imitation (2). And they weren't that bad after you got used to them.

But Breer had always been annoyed by the way people talked in the twentieth century. All his life he had learned and used simple words. Expressing things simply and to the point. But here it was "polysyllable" words all the time. Reading them, saying them and writing them down.

Breer didn't see what was so great about big words. He thought that Mac, Hec and everybody else was just trying to act smart. Sure, there were things that needed big words. Complicated ideas. But why not speak simply all the time, except when you had to use a big word? Astronaut was one. Why not space flyers? That would sound better.

Once in a while, when he was thinking or saying a polysyllable word (and there were so many!), Breer's mind would seize like a rusty transmission. And a dull pain would hit his head. Just like he did a moment ago on "congratulate."

But that was nothing compared to pronouns. Breer hated them with a vengeance. "I" and "me" and "she" and "he" instead of saying someone's name. But he had to learn them to speak like every other kid at school. He had been constantly corrected by the teacher. Eventually Mac and Hec also needled him to do it. Oh, they admitted (Hec especially) that there really wasn't a reason for it. It just seemed to sound better, they thought.

"Mac and Hec should have learned to speak _our way_ when they were stuck in one million B.C." thought Breer vengefully.

To use pronouns in his speech, Breer had to learn to think in pronouns. It still didn't come naturally and it still occasionally stalled his train of thought. If he didn't have enough problems keeping up as it was, what with . . .his . . . five missing years of education.

There was the scraping feeling in his head again.

"Breer wishes Breer was home in old cave" Breer muttered to himself, petulantly dropping out the hated pronouns. "Breer wishes Breer never meet Mac and Hec."

Breer suddenly felt extremely stupid. And not because of the pronouns.

He remembered that Mac and Hec had saved him from being a dinosaur's meal the very day they met. (3) The astronauts had also saved his sister Mlor from being sacrificed to a dinosaur. (4) Or the whole tribe facing a violent war with the tribe of "painted ones" (5).

Breer pounded on the steering wheel. If he hadn't gone to the future he would have died. But it didn't matter. For the first time in years he really hated being a cave boy in a strange land.

It was because Breer had just been recently dumped. For a "primitive attitude" said Jenny, the girl. That put him in a terrible mood, just her using the word primitive. Then she had made fun of his family (she was one of the few people he had brought home to meet his parents).

The argument with Jenny had been political (Breer said if he were "old enough" he would vote Nixon), not on Breer's status on the evolutionary scale. But it still struck Breer as a very low blow. Breer was good natured, and had become popular over the years. However, his friends knew his family was strange and remembered well how Breer acted the first time he attended school.

Breer was annoyed that he should be made to feel ashamed of his family in any way. Breer punched the steering wheel, hard enough to knock it off.

"There's another thing" Breer thought as he forcibly reattached it.

" _Every_ boy should play baseball" Hec had said.

"Football is _the_ all American game" observed Mac.

Breer had played both. Sure, outwardly he looked the same as the other kids in his class. But as he grew older, he slowly started to become as strong as his father Gronk. Normally, that would have been a great thing.

Breer made the high school team. One game saw three players fail to tackle him. For a while he was a hero.

However, he was promptly banned from all sports by the school board. An insurance risk!

"What is "insurance risk"?" asked Shad.

"It means" explained Breer, "they think I'm going to hurt the other kids or the school property . . . building . . . well, cave, when I play. I run through the other teams' line like it was made of paper."

"Mother Shad know what building means" Shad said. "Perhaps good Breer no longer play game of footsball or baseball. Getting too old to play games."

"But Mrs. Shad" interjected Hec. "Even grownups play these games on this side of the hill. And some make very good money doing it."

"They very silly grownups" put in Gronk. "Father Gronk tell Breer to listen. No longer play games.

"Yes" said Mlor. "Father and Mother right. Breer can play games at home but not at school where he should be learning.

"Thank you Mlor" said Shad proudly. "You, Breer. Be smart like sister."

"But you don't understand" objected Breer. "This can make things a lot easier for me. For all of us. Besides girls here think being great at spor . . . games is like being a great warrior back on the other side of hill."

"That stupid" laughed Gronk. "Breer no play game if school tell Breer not to.

"I wish we could sue" Mac quietly told Breer. "But these assumed I.D.'s we were forced to dig up won't bear too much inspection. We'll all be cooked gooses if we attract too much attention."

"Well, when Breer's in college I'm sure that they'll let him play again" said Hec confidently. "He'll make the majors."

"Take it from someone who played college football" said Mac. "These days most colleges recruit in advance. Even with his raw power, noone will take him to play on a competitive level if he didn't learn the basics on a high school team."

"That's silly" said Hec. "Why, he could always be put in as a pinch hitter with _no_ training at all."

Silly or not, Breer found that Mac was right. He found he was blacklisted from high school sports - meaning no collegiate sports in the future. And, as Mac pointed out, even if Breer did get to play on the collegiate level, rival teams would be quick to dig up dirt on his background. Namely, that all his identification had been procured using a phony Certificate of Birth.

That afternoon Breer drove to join his friends at the drive-in restaurant. While his pals were busy, laughing and cheering as usual, Breer felt miserable and alone. Feeling a million years away, so to speak.

What a life! Dumped by his girlfriend. A primitive. Looking at a future where he'd have to slog through school for years to come. And for what? He had thought that he could handle the world pretty well, but could he?

There had been plenty of confusion and scrapes at first. Even now, there were times when he heard or saw something new that mixed him up.

What if he were a dumb primitive? What if he would never be able to cope with the modern world and have to live the rest of his life with his sister and her kids? Having Hec and Mlor's future kids look after their caveman uncle for the rest of his life?

"That's not going to happen to . . . me" said Breer to himself. "I'm going to put myself through the world by myself. It's about time I do it."

Breer figured he knew how. Perhaps he would have been more careful if he recalled a poem he studied by the great Robbie Burns. _The best laid schemes_ o' _mice_ an' _men_ / _Gang aft agley._

Notes

(1) _School Days, School Days_

(2) Also in _School Days, School Days_.

(3) _And Then I Said Happy Birthday To You_.

(4) _The Sacrifice_

(5) _Cave Videos_.


	5. The Best Laid Schemes O' Mice & Cavemen

What could a sixteen-year-old kid do? Breer had once looked forward to being a warrior like his father. But there was no demand for warriors - or was there?

Seventeen was the age at which Breer could enlist in the US Air Force. And, of course, by enlisting Breer would be able to be self-supporting, he would be trained to do his job. Mac and Hec, being Air Force officers themselves, couldn't criticise him for it.

"Why would they?" said Breer to himself, proudly thinking of himself standing alone in the modern world. Maybe soon he'd be supporting his mother and father himself, without relying on the "Dinosaur Stew" money or the astronauts' pay!

Airman Breer Gronkson. A blue Air Force uniform, the responsibility to his adopted country, and the pay that came with it.

He'd show everybody he wasn't a primitive!

Breer didn't realize that running away to join the army or the navy was as old as this side of the hill. But Breer thought it a novel idea. He figured that claiming to be a year or two older than he actually was (or 999,998 years younger, depending on how you looked at it) was a piece of cake.

It started off great. Breer walked to the recruiting office, passing himself off as eighteen - as a seventeen year old would still need his parents consent to join.

"Hi" he said to the recruitment officer. "My name is Breer Gronkson. I'm looking to enlist in the Air Force as an airman."

Breer gave a smart salute. It was easy, he had seen it plenty. Hector Canfield saluted as a sort of second-nature.

Like his father Gronk before him (1), the recruitment officer was eager to sign him up and didn't ask for any paperwork.

That was a relief. Breer had the birth certificate Mac and Hec gave him, claiming he had been born in Riverview, Ohio in 195_.

The end of the typewritten date was cleverly smudged by Breer courtesy of a spilt can of root beer. But if held up to the light you could plainly read 1956.

Breer's medical examination came next.

The doctor was a thin, young man, with a military bearing. A different sort of bearing than either Mac or Hec, Breer realized. This doctor took himself _very_ seriously. That much was confirmed by the first words out of his mouth.

"Never fear" said the doctor. "Lieutenant Smith is here! Now let's see if you'll do, recruit!"

Breer was taken aback a second, but he followed with a smart salute.

"Very good" said Smith. "You may go far indeed."

So far, so good.

"This won't hurt a bit, soldier" Smith soon advised, "Roll up your left sleeve. I just need a sample of your blood."

Breer looked at the needle with unconcealed hatred. He remembered well the vaccinations he had to endure a few years ago. Sticking people with pins for their own good! And that garbage about it not hurting! He'd never get used to that bit of craziness!

Oh, sure, Mac had explained what a vaccination was and how it was law that school children receive them. But Breer didn't have to like the idea.

And now they were taking blood from him!

"Yow" Breer involuntarily exclaimed as he jumped up.

The needle hadn't even gone through. It was stuck painfully in his arm.

"That needle must have been blunt" said Breer.

"Are you telling me, a doctor, an officer, and a gentleman how to practice medicine?" said Smith, indignantly. "In the service, young man, one must know how to properly respect their superiors."

"I'm sorry, doctor" said Breer with a grimace, thinking that Mac never acted like that to Hec, even when giving an order. "It just hurt."

"Keep it in mind, if you don't want to be an airhead of a airman" said Smith. "In reality, the truth is your skin must be as tough as leather. "We'll have to use one of the old-fashioned needles. Unusual strength among your epidermal tissue."

"Right, Sir" said Breer with a sinking feeling that this would just be the beginning.

It _was_ only the beginning. Breer duly got his blood taken with a needle so large, it felt more painful than being stung by a prehistoric giant mosquito.

"Breer's . . . I'm . . . not going to stand for this" thought Breer angrily. "That's how they reward me for wanting to be a soldier? And they're so hard up for warriors as it is, they have to draft them?"

Breer considered the fact that back home, he could have clubbed anyone who treated him like a living pincushion. Not that he would have known what a pincushion was, back then.

But Breer couldn't do anything now, well not without getting into major trouble.

"I've fit in for years" he thought to himself. "So my skin's tough. There's nothing really so different about me that Lt. Smith is going to notice. Not with a exam that's just seeing if I'm fit for the Air Force.

But people had become surprisingly weak in a million years or so. Breer realized that as the exam went on. He should have known. Back "over the hill" Mac and Hec, as smart as they were, didn't seem so strong. They could barely carry around a full-size club (2).

Breer's marks in Biology were a solid B, but he was no doctor and had _never_ undergone a thorough examination before.

"I've never seen such strong lung capacity!" said Lt. Smith, as he listened amazed with his stethoscope.

"I, er, never smoked" joked Breer with a weak smile.

"You addlepated adolescent!" said the doctor. "As if simply not smoking would lead to these results."

"I was joking, doctor."

"Well . . . then, see that you act seriously" said Lt. Smith brusquely. "This isn't a game. This is the air force, young man."

If only he hadn't listened to the doctor when he said to give deep breaths!

"And that heart beat!" said Lt. Smith. "Why, I could hear it without the stethoscope."

"Is that bad?" said Breer, thinking about the little he knew about heart disease.

"Normally, yes" said Lt. Smith. "But in your case, it's regular and sounds as powerful as a tire pump."

Breer's tire pump heart beat all the faster.

So, he had to sit tight while Lt. Smith tested his palleter reflex by hitting him on the knee with a plastic hammer.

Breer had heard of it, and knew that it was also called the "knee-jerk" reflex. But both he and Lt. Smith were surprised when Breer kicked so hard he broke the chair in front of them.

"I guess I'm nervous, sir" Breer explained.

"Stupendous" observed Lt. Smith. "Simply stupendous."

The rest of the examination seemed to go without incident.

"You'll do" said Lt. Smith.

"I will" said Breer gratefully.

"Well enough" said Lt. Smith. "Though I fail to see how a seemingly average teenager arrives here with skin as tough as leather, a heart like a tire pump and lungs more powerful than the healthiest non-smoker. And as such, I will use my power as your superior to order more tests."

"But I haven't even been inducted yet" Breer reminded the doctor.

"Be respectful when you speak to your superiors!" said Lt. Smith. "If I am correct about your unusual physiognomy, you'll be entering the air force as much more than a simple ordinary run-of-the-mill airman!"

"Simple ordinary run-of-the-mill airman?" said Breer, wondering how this snob ever became an officer.

"Come over to the x-ray room, young man" said the doctor.

In the x-ray room, Lt. Smith, aided by a pretty blonde nurse, put Breer behind a screen. The doctor and nurses wearing lead aprons, put Breer through a fluoroscope examination. (3)

"Deceptively dense bone structure" observed Smith. "Abnormally large appendix. Now let me see that jaw of yours."

"My jaw, sir?" asked Breer.

"Indeed" said Lt. Smith. "Upon closer look, although it looks outwardly normal - it is, or I am very much mistaken, a surprisingly accurate replica of a Cro-Magnon jaw if I ever did see one."

"Cro-Magnon?" questioned Breer.

The phrase sounded familiar. Something Mac had mentioned to Hec back in one million B.C.

"Cro-Magnon. A caveman, you neo-neanderthal ninny!" said Lt. Smith. You're quite an amazing specimen. You're a throwback to prehistoric man if ever I've ever seen. Why, a living missing link! Think of the answers on human evolution you'll provide."

"You think I'm a cave man, sir?" said Breer with a groan.

"Really, doctor" said a nurse. "The young man's come here to join the air force. Either he's fit or he's not. He's an American. Not a test subject."

Breer hoped fervently that Lt. Smith listened to her.

"You're out of order" said Lt. Smith. "As for him joining the air force, he has enlisted. My authority allows me to keep him here for further investigation. At least for the time being."

"But he has no contagious illness" said the nurse. "And his blood work was rushed, and just returned normal. A healthy O negative."

"My dear girl! That's the only blood type that a prehistoric boy would have" observed Lt. Smith. "The variant types and antigens hadn't developed yet."

"But why keep him here?" said the other nurse.

"For study, of course. For study" said the doctor. "With his unusual features we can hold him for future study. Why just think of the fame and promotion that await me! Why, just wait until I send copies of these reports to Dr. Hamilton at the main air base! Wait until Dr. Bellows sees them in over at Cape Kennedy!" (3)

Smith rang an intercom, summoned another nurse, and gave her Breer's files.

That, of course, was why Mac and Hec had to keep his family's arrival such a secret. With a sinking realization, Breer clearly saw that was dooming himself - and likely his father, mother and sister - to a lifetime of be treated like human guinea pigs. And what would happen to Mac and Hec when the Air Force discovered two of their astronauts were deeply involved in the coverup!

"I've got to tell you the truth" said Breer desperately, jumping up. "You've got this all wrong. I, I lied. I have no right to join the air force. I've lied about my age. I'm only sixteen."

Lt. Smith looked disappointed for a moment, but quickly recovered.

"Then you shall be held under detention for fraud" said Lt. Smith coldly.

"The guardhouse" groaned Breer.

"Yes, the guardhouse" said Dr. Smith. "And in so confining you, I shall be able to continue my reports on your anomalously antique anatomical aspects."

"But doctor" said the nurse. "You know very well that the Air Force merely gives a honourable discharge to boys who enlist underage."

"Well this boy tried to shirk right after he enlisted" said Lt. Smith. "Such lamentable behaviour should not go unpunished! You wouldn't ever find _me_ shirking! No, Zachary Smith is made of much sterner stuff. When I think of what the younger generation is coming to . . . oh the pain, the pain!"

"You're only about ten years older than the boy yourself" reminded the nurse.

"Quiet!" said the doctor imperiously. "Or I shall report your insubordination directly to General Wesley himself!" (4)

"Very well, lieutenant" said the nurse.

"I'll have you know, madame" began Lt. Smith. "that I am no ordinary military surgeon. When you criticize me, you don't just criticize a superior officer but you criticize a highly educated physician. Why, back at Harvard Medical School . . . .

While Smith was busy bragging to the poor nurse, Breer worried over his options.

Maybe he could call Mac and Hec over to overrule the doctor and get him home. They were a major and a captain respectively. Smith was only a lieutenant. But there was a problem. Breer wasn't sure how the military chain of command worked, but he figured that Mac and Hec wouldn't have any power over an officer in the medical corps anyway. And, of course, he'd be tying Mac and Hec directly to him if he tried it.

He could try running away. But that was a horrible idea. The Air Force now had his name and address. They would easily track him down and back toward his family. And what would they do with them? At least if he stayed here the Air Force might be content to do whatever they would to him and leave his father, mother and sister alone. After all, Lieutenant Smith was relying on Breer's enlistment to hold him. What right would he have to force his family along to be studied? But what about Mac and Hec. What if that Smith found out the connection between them? There'd sure to be questions.

Breer could try beating Smith up and then running away. That idea appealed to Breer, as he moodily and helplessly watched the lieutenant continue to alternately lecture and flirt with the pretty blonde nurse. But beating Smith up would, if anything, be more dangerous than just running away. The Air Force'd be even more sure to follow up on his family.

"I've gotten myself into this" Breer thought. "I have to live with it, and not make ruin everything for everybody else."

Breer gave a deep breath, and decided to prepare for the worse.

"Now, we can always discuss this at dinner, Friday, my dear" said Smith silkily. "However, to the business at hand! It is my contention the boy will have unusually strong teeth."

"I don't think so, sir" lied Breer aloud, giving a salute with an ironical air and smiling at the nurse.

"You don't" said Smith. "Well, we shall see."

Smith directed Breer to a dentist chair. The Lieutenant then opened a drawer, and took out a large brown box.

"An excellent method of testing dental endurance" said Smith.

"Why do you have caramels in a medical lab?" asked Breer. "Sir!"

"Never mind that, you ninny" said Smith. "This isn't caramel. This is old fashioned salt-water toffee. Now, see here."

"You mean chew here" said the nurse.

"As you like it, madam" said Smith oilily, strapping a light on his head. "No one can bite through this easily, hard as it is. Now eat as much as you like."

Breer could bite right through it. Fortunately, however, he had long known what candy was and how kids ate it. And he knew how hard it was supposed to be to chew toffee.

Annoyed as he was with Smith shining a light into his face, Breer slowly chewed the bar of toffee, piece by piece.

This wasn't what he had in mind when he had enlisted a couple of short hours before.

Notes

(1) Gronk unknowingly enlists in the army in _To Sign Or Not To Sign_. The premise for this chapter is based heavily on Gronk's medical examination in that episode.

(2) "The Champ" sees Mac and Hec drafted to fight the "painted ones"

(3) Dr. Hamilton is the Los Angeles Air Force Base doctor/psychiatrist, notably appearing in _Twentieth Century Here We Come_ , _Shad Rack and Other Tortures_ , and _Our Brothers' Keepers_. Dr. Bellows is a reference to psychiatrist Dr. Bellows in _I Dream of Jeannie_. As for Lt. Smith, he's a younger version of the unscrupulous Dr. Smith of _Lost In Space_.

(4) Hec and Mac's commanding officer.


	6. Out of the Frying Pan, Into the Fire

**Chapter Six** **Out of the Frying Pan, Into the Fire**

"Well, well" observed Lieutenant Smith coldly, after putting Breer through another battery of tests. "I suppose you have mastered the art of appearing of conventional health, that is to the untrained observer. But, I, dear boy, am made of much sterner material! You were not able to deceive me with your act."

"Is there any reason to punish Breer . . . _me_. . . for being healthier or tougher than average?" Breer snapped.

"Uncommon" said Smith. "That's the second time you lapsed into the third person singular."

"So?" said Breer. "Maybe my grammar isn't the best, but is that any reason to think I'm anything but a normal sixteen year old?"

"I note lapse" said Smith pointedly. "A native speaker of the English language in Southern California would not lapse into the third person as a personal default. Unless, of course, they specifically made a habit of speaking in the third person."

"I'm from Ohio" Breer lied.

"I doubt that very much" said Smith.

" _According_ to his driver's license and birth certificate, he is" said an Air Force colonel, now entering the room accompanied by a man in a black suit and homburg hat. "Wilkins, Military Intelligence. We've decided to check out your so-called caveboy, Smith."

Smith made a quick salute.

"Myers, CIA" said the man in the black suit. "We traced the boy's car. Breer Gronkson. Sixteen years of age. Son of Gronk Gronkson and Shad Gronkson. The entire family obtained new sets of identity papers some three-and-a-half years ago."

"We lost them in a fire that destroyed our old home" said Breer, remembering the script drilled into him by Mac. "Before we moved to California."

"You were _allegedly_ born outside of the small town of Riverview, Ohio" observed Myers with a sneer. "Your story is all too convenient. Especially since our records show that your parents' _first_ application for a social security number was a mere three years ago."

"We lived on a farm. Us . . . we . . . didn't need social security" Breer insisted.

"Sure you didn't" said Wilkins sardonically. "

"Riverview, Ohio. That sounds familiar" said the nurse speculatively.

"It should be" said Lieutenant Smith tersely. "Over at the main base, one of the astronauts, that Captain Canfield, talks about his home town at the drop of his pin. I don't think there's an astronaut in the space program who hasn't heard about the place."

"It's also interesting to observe that the Gronksons are the permanent houseguests of Captain Canfield" said Wilkins.

"Only becoming house-guests after the mysterious disappearance of Major Mackenzie and Captain Canfield from September 1967 through the February of 1968" observed Myers.

"And the circumstances in which the two disappeared have never been satisfactorily explained" added Willkins.

"And, in which period the two astronauts had exclusive charge of the top-secret capsule Scorpio E-X-1 and all the classified equiment therein" said Myers.

"Quite the debacle" observed the Lieutenant. "All persons associated with the space program . . . and having access to classified material, as I do myself . . . know of the fiasco of the Scorpio-E-X-1. Never have any of us in the medical corps _here_ been satisfactorily to explain . . . ."

"Never have any of you in the medical corps considered the possibility that Major Mackenzie and Captain Canfields are traitors, who spent the winter of 67-68 singing our scientific secrets to the Soviets" said Wilkins. "Nor the possibility that the Gronksons are deep cover agents from the USSR, either recruited from an obscure primitive tribe in remotest Siberia or the recipients of vitamins to produce the unusual strength and stamina observed in the young subject here."

"I wouldn't have thought Canfield was intelligent enough to pull off such a lucrative scheme . . . ." mused Smith. "I wonder what their price . . . ."

Smith stopped when he realized the glares of everybody in the room. "I should say, I wouldn't have thought Canfield or Macdonald were duplicitous traitors . . . and have kept their treacherous acts secret for so long. After all, no price could induce a true American to sell out his country!"

"Hear hear!" said Wilkins.

"I can't believe it!" said one of the nurses.

"I know Mackenzie and Canfield" said another. "Mackenzie's one of the best officers in the space program. Canfield can be a bit of a crank, but he's a good officer and definitely not a traitor."

"Well, the kid here's not a genuine caveman" said Myers. "That's absolutely ridiculous, in spite of Lieutenant Smith's views on the matter. So what else could he be part of a nest of Soviet spies?"

"Yes, sir" said Smith, eager to kowtow in spite of his belief in his caveboy theory. "But perhaps Breer here is actually a Chinese spy instead? Maybe he's a member of an obscure tribe from Inner Mongolia?"

"This is the stupidest thing I've ever heard . . . SIR" Breer said angrily. There's no more loyal Americans than Major Mac Mackenzie and Captain Hec Canfield. And my folks aren't Russian, Chinese, Siberian, or Mongolian agents. We've never even been to Russia, China or Mongolia. In fact, they don't even think they've ever even heard of Russians or Soviets or Chinese or Communists!"

"Aha" said Wilkins. "You doth protest too much!"

"Isn't that interesting?" said Myers. "In this day and age. Not hearing of the Soviets?"

"Well, we're old-fashioned people" said Breer sheepishly, realizing his mistake.

"Well, that's an understatement" said Smith quietly.

"Oh, stow it" said Wilkins. "The boy can't be a caveman, but he can be an enemy agent. And, now Breer Gronkson, if that is your real name . . . .

"Which we doubt" Myers interrupted.

". . . .you can consider yourself under arrest as a spy" Wilkins finished, with a glare at Myers.

Before he realized what was happening, a dejected Breer was handcuffed and escorted through the door.

Before he was taken out of the building, Breer figured he'd try to make a break for it.

"It couldn't hurt now" thought Breer. "I know what they do with spies."

* * *

 _"Bang, bang, bang, in front of a firing squad" Hec had once told Breer when he had came home. "That's what we do to traitors in the Air Force. And you know what, they really deserve it!"_

 _"Clon clubbed them, back on the other side of the hill" Breer reminded Hec._

 _Hec turned white._

 _"Back there, everything we did, Boss said "Strangers evil spirits. Strangers must die!"_

 _Hec imitated Boss's voice. (1)_

 _"That wasn't treason" Mac said, who had been listening to the conversation. "That was superstition on the part of Boss. Treason would be, well, us helping the painted ones attack your_ village." (2)

* * *

Well, it was now or never. Using all the strength he could muster, Breer pulled his hands apart breaking the chains. He ran for the door . . . and right into Mac and Hec, themselves handcuffed to a couple of military policemen.

 **Notes**

(1) In " _Shad Rack and Other Tortures"_ , Canfield seems slightly-shaken when he tells General Wesley of his near-brushes with death in One Million B.C.

(2) The "Painted Ones" attack in _Tailor-Made Hero, The Champ,_ and _Cave Movies_.


	7. Espionage and High Treason

**Chapter Seven Espionage and High Treason**

"This is just great!" complained Hector Canfield. "This morning I was engaged to Mlor and ready to buy the greatest split-level cave . . . er, house. I was a highly respected, not to mention photographed, astronaut! Now I'm going to be court martialled and shot as a spy. All I want to know is . . . where's my lawyer!"

Mac, Hec and Breer had been left in small cell, awaiting further disposition. Breer was glumly sitting, thinker-style, pondering the catastrophe he had brought about.

"We aren't lined up against the wall yet" Mac told his friends. "Calm down. They've no proof we're Russian agents. Mostly because we're not. "

"Yeah" said Hector, momentarily brightening. "The only thing they can prove is that Breer and his family appeared from nowhere, and . . . we helped them pose as Americans. The worst that'll come to us is . . . complete disgrace, humiliation and a long sentence in Leavenworth. I don't want to spend the rest of my life in Leavenworth!"

"Well, think of Breer and his family" said Mac. "Test subjects for the rest of their lives."

"Ugh" said Breer, with a very caveman-type expression.

"It's not your fault, Breer" Mac tried to sound calm. "We should have warned you what could have happened."

" _Yes, it is your fault_ " thought Hector angrily, and was about to say so, but bit his tongue. " _The kid was feeling bad enough without them piling on. And even worse than their fate was the one in store for their friends. Treated as human lab rats!"_

And, of course, Hector couldn't help but feel sorriest for his would-be wife Mlor.

"The worst thing is the disgrace" observed Mac. "Our names are going to be dragged into mud. We'll go down in history with Benedict Arnold and the Rosenbergs.

"The disgrace is bad now. But it'll be a distant memory after a couple decades in Leavenworth . . . or standing in front of the firing squad!" said Hector.

"Stop bringing up the firing squad, Captain" said Mac. "That's an order."

"Watch it! (1) You can't give me orders, now" said Hector, with one of his reflexive salutes. "Imprisoned officers aren't entitled to give orders."

"Then that's a request, from your best friend" Mac said irritably.

"Okay" said Hector. "But I can't help thinking about it. All my life I've done nothing wrong. I was even an eagle scout. But here I am, guilty of conspiring to get Breer's family fake birth records. I'm about to be busted down to Basic Airman, imprisoned and maybe even . . . ."

"Shut up, Hector" warned Mac.

"How did you get us those birth certificates, anyway?" asked Breer.

"I don't know" said Mac. "Hector volunteered, said he had a fool proof plan."

"I went home to Riverview" Hector recalled glumly. "Our town clerk, Mr. Twombly, keeps all the town records. I begged and pleaded with him to make them out. For a good cause. He did, only because I was one of the town's most notable sons, not to mention his best customer."

"Best customer?" asked Breer.

"Didn't I tell you?" said Hector. "He also runs the drugstore and soda fountain." (2)

"Of course" said Mac, sarcastically.

"But he said he probably tell all if he were ever questioned about it" said Hector.

Mac fell into a brown study.

"How popular are you in your home town, Hector?" Mac questioned.

"Everybody likes me" said Hector. "I'm just that type of person."

Mac and Breer winced.

"Really?" said Mac. "Because Pamela can barely stand you."

"I thought she liked me" said Hector. "I mean, as a friend."

"She does" said Mac. "You just get on her nerves, that's all."

"Me?" asked Hec. "I never get . . . ."

"Aren't you two forgetting something?" Breer interrupted. "What's going to happen to my family?"

"They're safe and sound with Mr. Tyler" observed Hector. "I was the only one picked up by the MPs."

"We're lucky someone's running such a sloppy operation" noted Major Mackenzie. "If your family had been deep cover Russian spies, they'd have already reported and flown the coop."

"There's still a couple of MP's at the apartment" said Hector. "This is the way it went down . . . ."

* * *

 **Notes**

(1) "Watch it!" and "Oh my" seem to be akin to catch-phrases for Hector Canfield.

(2) Mentioned in "The Sacrifice."


	8. Yuck

**Yuck**

"Yuck" said Hector, unwillingly.

Mlor, in gratitude, had made the family the soup she had once devised for Hector, during their first, abortive, prehistoric engagement. (1) And, back then, Hector, had also christened it "yuck."

"I'm glad Hec loves it just as well as Hec did on the other side of the hill" observed Mlor.

"You've always managed to make it the same way" said Hector. "Even without the dinosaurs or mastodons."

"Yuck" was terrible stuff, especially after the couple of ice cream sundaes and chocolate malted he had shared with Mlor that afternoon. But Hector had gotten used to "Yuck." Once he got past that first, horrible gulp.

Hector no longer minded too much, so long as he only had to eat it once in awhile. A long while.

"I don't like Yuck" said Gronk, before being nudged by Shad. "I mean I don't like to eat Yuck when Breer not home. Where is son Breer?"

"He must be out with his friends" said Hector, forcing down some more "Yuck".

"True" said Shad. "Boy Breer's age always late getting home."

Then came a knock.

"Oh, must be Mac" said Shad.

"Or maybe brother Breer" said Mlor. "I get door. No, future husband Hec musn't get up. Finish Yuck."

Mr. Tyler was at the door, accompanied by three military policemen.

"We have orders to arrest Captain Hector Canfield" said the first MP.

"That's me!" said Hector, getting up in a panic.

"Is that a-test or arrest?" asked Shad.

"Arrest" exclaimed Hector. "What for?"

"Suspicion of espionage and high treason."

"That sounds very impressive, Hec" said Mlor, standing beside her fiance.

"I'm not a spy!" said Hector.

"What do you think a spy would say?" said Mr. Tyler. "Really, Captain. When you and the major brought these outre guests to my apartment building, I didn't understand it. But the idea that you're harboring deep cover spies! To think, I've unwittingly been helping traitors adjust to American life and customs!"

"What are traitors anyway?" asked Shad.

"Something we're not!" said Hector. "What makes you think we're spies and traitors?"

"We have sealed orders" said one MP.

"We're allowed to unseal them now" said the second.

"Here goes" said the third, opening the package. "Major Mackenzie and Captain Canfield, formerly Captain Mackenzie and Lieutenant Canfield respectively, are charged with absconding with the Scorpio E-X-1 experimental spacecraft to a hostile foreign power for several months in 1967-1968.

Hector nearly fainted, but didn't want to make a fool of himself in front of Mlor. So Hector only collapsed in his chair.

"Is Hec going away?" asked Gronk.

"Possibly for a long, long time. Possibly forever" said Mr. Tyler.

"Mr. Tyler!" tried Hector desperately. "Think about it. Do these people seem like deep cover spies?"

"Well" allowed Mr. Tyler, "whey they moved in they couldn't even cross the street safely."

"There you are" said Hec.

"We are to bring them along to prison with you, if practical" said the first MP. "That is, until we can get a warrant to send them to a civilian federal prison. They're not, as you see, under military jurisdiction."

"Gronk don't want to go anywhere tonight" said the caveman. "He want to wait here for son Breer. Besides, soon it be dark outside and time to sleep."

"Shad with Gronk" said Shad. "Wait for son Breer. Shad not act like people on this side of hill. Like to go to bed soon after nighttime come. What is called 9:00. Shad not go out late partying at federal prism."

Hector remembered with panic how Gronk had once dispatched an army platoon. (2) That's all he needed now! Having to answer for Gronk beating up three MPs.

"They shouldn't be going _anywhere_ without a warrant" he said weakly. "Especially, my fiance Mlor!"

"Where Hec go, Mlor follow"

"Not this time" said Hector, kissing her and seeing her blush deeply. "I'll be back soon. It's important. My boss' orders."

As for Hector, he was white as a ghost.

"We have orders to take the entire family, if possible" said the MP. "Lieutenant Gibson's orders."

"Disregard them, corporal" said Hector desperately. "I outrank Gibson."

The three MPs went into a huddle.

"We can't take orders from an officer we're arresting" said the second MP. "Besides, we're not in your chain of command."

"That's a major military faux pas, Captain" said the first.

"But we won't report you" said the third. "But we would like you to get the family to come along. It'll look good at your court martial."

Court Martial! But there were more important things for Hector to settle.

"Why don't a couple of you stand guard, here, with Mr. Tyler" said Hector. "You've got to know it's . . . unAmerican . . . to arrest these people without a warrant. Even if we were spies, which we're not. Really, we're not."

"Very well, Captain" said the third. "But we'll have to handcuff you."

"Those are ugly bracelets" observed Shad, as Hector was taken away.

"I'll stay in here, and do my duty as an American" said Mr. Tyler reluctantly. "You MPs stand guard at the door."

"Glad to have friend Tyler for dinner" said Mlor. "You sit in Hec's place. I make fresh soup."

"Yuck" said Mr. Tyler, looking at the evil smelling concoction.

"That name of soup" said Shad gleefully. "Yuck. It Hec's favourite. He say it so good, he dont' want to be spoiled so we never have it more than once a moon."

"Over here moon called month" noted Mlor.

"That right" said Shad. "No more than once a month."

* * *

 **Notes**

(1) _Have I Got A Girl For You_

(2) _To Sign or Not To Sign_


	9. The Legend of the Scorpio E-X-1

**Chapter Nine The Legend of the Scorpio E-X-1**

It was after midnight when Mac, Hector and Breer were brought to the main airbase to see General Wesley. The three were taken directly to the general's office.

It was a very solemn room, Mac observed as he saluted. Everybody was wearing grave faces.

While almost everybody. General Wesley seemed to have the ghost of a smile. That bode very well. General Wesley, a four-star general, wouldn't have anything resembling a grin if he believed an United States astronaut guilty of espionage or treason.

Dr. Hamilton, the bespectacled base psychiatrist, was there in the room sitting at General Wesley's left. Their accusers, Colonel Wilkins and Mr. Myers, CIA, were there. So was Dr. Zachary Smith, the young Lieutenant in the medical corps who had correctly identified Breer as a caveboy.

Mac was surprised to see NASA's head psychiatrist and medical doctor, Colonel Alfred Bellows, to General Wesley's right. Dr. Bellows was usually stationed at Cape Kennedy, in Cocoa Beach.

"I knew it" Captain Hector Canfield panicked. "Three officers at the desk. Our court martial."

"Relax, Hector" said Mac. "A general court martial, a court martial that can sentence you to long-term imprisonment or death, needs to be constituted of five officers and a military judge. Besides, the US Air Force provides legal counsel for the accused in all but the most minor crimes."

"Really?" said Hector.

"Really, Captain Canfield" said General Wesley. "And I'm surprised, Captain, that I have to remind you of all people to salute."

Captain Canfield quickly complied.

"That's another charge for Showing Disrespect to your Superior Officers" noted Dr. Smith, gleefully.

"With the general's permission, I should think not, Lieutenant" said Dr. Bellows. "I should think it was an innocent omission made right by General Wesley's informal reprimand. Given the nature of the accusations against Major Mackenzie and Captain Canfield, I am not surprised by it slipping Canfield's mind." Bellows gave a grim smile, "There's only one man in the space program who would be calm in a similar scenario, and he's stationed at Cocoa Beach (1)."

"Agreed, Bellows" said General Wesley. "If anything, Captain Canfield salutes too much."

"Thank you, sir" said Hector, saluting again.

"Now, this isn't a court martial" said General Wesley. "But an informal, _and top secret_ , investigation into the charges levied against you two by Colonel Wilkins here. And yes, the charges and allegations against Breer Gronkson here, levied by Dr. Smith and Colonel Wilkins and Mr. Myers. I would prefer to handle this matter now, but you three, having been charged, can wait to contact a lawyer and have the matter dealt with before a formal hearing, _if you so please_.

"Sir, I want a . . . ." began Hector.

"No, we'll be fine" interrupted Mac. "Can I consult with Captain Canfield and Breer here?"

 _General Wesley nodded, and pointed to an antechamber. Breer, Mac and Hec repaired there quickly . . . with a couple more salutes._

"But we're going to be on trial for our lives" objected Hector quietly.

"I'm sure we'll be okay" said Mac. "Trust me on this, Hector, Breer. General Wesley wants this settled quickly. There's something he knows and Wilkins doesn't. What's demanding a general court martial going to get you? The notoriety?

"We'd better go ahead here" said Hector quickly.

 _"What they'd think of him in Riverview, Ohio!_ " Hector thought.

"Ditto" said Breer.

"We're fine answering to the charges right here" said Mac, as he, Hector and Breer returned to the main room, the three of them smartly saluting the assembly.

"First" said Dr. Hamilton, after a nod from General Wesley. "We've decided to offer you an alternative. This is embarrassing to NASA. How would you like to take the Scorpio E-X-1, and the Gronksons, and fly back to wherever it is you disappeared to four years ago. Your disappearing _again_ would settle the matter nicely."

"NO!" said Hector, panicking, "Sir! I don't want to spend the rest of my life in One Million BC! Dinosaurs, and man-eating plants, and mastodons, no television, or ice cream, or cars, and Clon yelling Kill, Kill, and . . . ."

Breer nearly doubled up laughing. There wasn't a lot of conveniences back on his side of the hill.

"Hector, quiet" muttered Mac. "Ixnay on the cave day."

Dr. Hamilton, Dr. Bellows and General Wesley shared a significant look.

"As we presumed" said Dr. Bellows, "the negative effects of your five month sojourn have never been entirely ameliorated."

"General" objected Mac, "we've been through this with Dr. Hamilton and he signed off on us as cured."

"With your permission, Dr. Hamilton, outwardly" said Dr. Bellows. "However, in the id, as exampled by Captain Canfield's outburst, there remains an inner fear of returning to a primitive prehistoric society."

"I can explain, sir" said Hector.

"Don't" said Dr. Bellows. "Your subconscious delusion works very much to your favour in the proceedings here today."

"Oh!" said Hector. "Then I guess I can't explain."

"Now, as for you son" said Dr. Hamilton. "Would you like to go back to prehistoric times?"

Now given the opportunity to speak his piece, Breer really didn't know. His last contact with his tribe was their trying to kill him and his family (2). So, if he did go back, how could he and his family get in Boss' good graces? And, of course, there was the fact he was going back to die sometime in prehistory. That was a frightening thought, now that he had spent years in the distant future.

Even if he did go back, and the family were to get back into the tribe, wouldn't he, Breer, miss all the comforts of the future? Sure, it would be great to be a warrior, back on his side of the hill. But what of all the gadgets he had gotten used to over the past four years?

And his family? His mother Shad, and his sister Mlor, wouldn't like the trip. Breer was sure of that. And Gronk. Well, his father would go back. That's for sure. Was it a draw? Or did the preference of his mother and sister outweigh his father? Or was his father's opinion, as (nominal) head of the family, what Breer should consider?

No, there were also Mac and Hec to take into account. They had taken the family into the future to save them from execution at the hands of Boss and Clon. To go back would be to drag Mac and Hec into a permanent exile. And they made lousy cavemen, having to be saved from execution practically every week. For the two astronauts it was a living nightmare. Worse even than Breer's family's first weeks in modern civilization.

And wasn't this all a test? There was something suspicious about the offer to take a top secret, multimillion dollar spacecraft and vanish with it. A Russian spy might jump at the chance.

Breer wasn't sure if he even wanted to go back. He had the welfare of other people to consider. The answer was obvious.

"I don't want to be stranded in one million BC either" said Breer. "I don't want to live in a cave."

"Understandable" said Lt. Smith, sardonically enough.

"Quiet, Lieutenant" said General Wesley. "That's an order. Now, Breer Gronkson, I am giving you an honourable discharge from the air force, in keeping with standard procedure in cases like yours. Your eagerness to serve the United States is appreciated, but you are underage. I hope your experience did not put you off a military career permanently."

"But his examination" objected Smith.

"Was obviously flawed" said Dr. Bellows. "It happens to the best of us, Smith. There are times, at NASA Cape Kennedy where I could have sworn . . . but never mind. I am looking at a typical American teenager if ever there was one, I can assure you that.

"A Cro-magnon jaw" put in Dr. Hamilton. "Who do you think you're kidding, Smith? "

"And that salt water toffee test is as unscientific a procedure as was ever invented in the annals of medical science" scoffed General Wesley.

Breer smiled broadly at Dr. Smith's discomfort.

"Oh, the pain, the pain!" said Smith to himself.

 _"You've got that pain coming and then some"_ thought Mac, so maliciously he surprised himself. "Putting our friends through _this_."

"Never mind, Smith" said General Wesley. "Mackenzie and Canfield career's have recovered from their, well, caveman days, and I don't see any reason why you too can't place this bizarre conclusion of yours to rest."

"But what about the Russian connection?" said Myers and Wilkins together.

"That is why we have cleared you and Wilkins here to this meeting" said General Wesley. "The flight, and fate, of the Scorpio E-X-1 is a highly classified matter. Occasionally, we here in the military and the other federal agencies run at cross-purposes."

"Huh?" said Myers.

"With your permission, General" said Major Mackenzie, as the general nodded, "in plain English, sometimes one hand doesn't know what the other's doing."

"Glad you caught on, Major" said General Wesley.

"Oh yeah" said Captain Canfield with a salute. "It means . . . it means . . . what does it mean?"

"They've already checked us out, Captain" said Mac.

"When you were still peddling that time travel story" said General Wesley, "we looked into the records and airworthiness of the Scorpio E-X-1. The examination was conducted at NASA Cape Kennedy, under the supervision of General Peterson. Bellows?"

"Thank you, General" said Dr. Bellows. "Majors Nelson and Healey were assigned to examine the craft. I have here the report on the Scorpio E-X-1. Healey said it might be called the _Legend of the Scorpio E-X-1_ for the ingenuity shown in making the craft space-worthy. The Scorpio featured evidence of severe damages and very ingenious, though dangerous repairs. Crude, homemade copper, aluminum, spliced wires and even a very expensive diamond were used to make the craft flyable again (3).

Yes, a very expensive diamond, Lt. Smith. Your eyes needn't light up like that.

General Peterson has placed it in the NASA museum marked simply as "discovered on top secret mission." I quite agree with his decision, and hope someday that the then Captain Mackenzie and Lieutenant Canfield will be credited as the finders on that card."

"Or Gronk Gronkson" thought Breer.

"What significance does any of this have?" scoffed Wilkins.

"Surely you don't believe that the Soviets will send their double agents back with a spacecraft expertly fixed with the equivalent of duck tape and bailing wire" said General Wesley. "Even if they didn't choose to parade a pair of astronaut defectors in Red Square for propaganda purposes, they would never send back a craft that was so insecurely rebuilt."

"Insecurely, sir?" asked Hector.

"It was Major Nelson's opinion that the electrical and computer systems were so damaged, they risked shorting out when starting operation."

"Which happened a couple times, when we were ready to take off" Mac muttered to Hector.

"Oh, yeah' remembered Hector.

"It is our opinion that the Major and Captain found themselves in a remote tribal area and were forced to fix the Scorpio E-X-1 with the few materials available to them" said General Wesley (4).

"Couldn't you track the craft?" insisted Myers.

"Dr. Hamilton" suggested General Wesley.

"The Scorpio E-X-1, going at full speed, disappeared from our tracking equipment just before reaching orbit" said Dr. Hamilton, reading his sheets. "It reappeared suddenly, more than five months later, above Los Angeles, landing without incident. Such information suggests a crash in a remote area. Not to mention a return to orbit five months later." (5)

"Or a defection" insisted Wilkins.

"I was on hand at NASA Cape Kennedy" observed Dr. Bellows, "when then Captain Nelson was launched into orbit. His final stage rockets misfired, and he crashed on a desert island somewhere in the Pacific. Our equipment wasn't able to locate him. It was only through luck that a helicopter found him, far off his presumed coordinates." (6)

"In short, gentlemen" said General Wesley. "There's nothing in the way of a defection about it."

"What about this kid here?" said Myers.

"This kid has a name" said Breer.

"Breer Gronkson" sneered Wilkins. "Where did his family come from?"

"In all likelihood, from Captain Canfield's hometown of Riverview, Ohio" said Dr. Bellows. "For one thing, Soviet spies don't use the clumsy approach of having a local official create false identification. For another, I've spent the better part of yesterday evening in Riverview. I couldn't find anyone to say a word against Captain Hector Canfield or the town clerk, Mr. Twombly."

"Thank you, hometown" said Hector respectfully.

"Well, they're lying through their teeth to protect a local boy" said Myers.

"Don't talk about my pals in Riverview that way!" said Hector. "And I'm not a boy. I'm 32 and a Captain in the United States Air Force!"

"Soviet spies rarely form popular singing groups, however briefly" observed Dr. Bellows sardonically. "You were even on the Fred Gulliver show, weren't you Mr. Gronkson?"

"Yes" said Breer, enjoying the memory. "We were the Cave Family Swingers! Only, we went a little overboard in our TV act." (7)

Their appearance on Fred Gulliver happened only a few weeks after Breer and his family had moved "to the other side of the hill." Everybody loved their folk song, _Dinosaur Stew_. Breer remembered how his family had been told to followed the "World Famous Ballet" onto the stage. They took the instructions literally, and got entangled with the ballet act. Chaos resulted, as well as the end of their singing career.

It was a lot of fun at the time. Breer still remembered the adventure fondly.

"Give them a few bars" suggested Hector, though he hated the song. "With the general's permission."

" _Oo, Oo_ " sang Breer. " _Cucaracoo, we like dinosaur stew, with mammoth bone, and mastodon meat, dinosaur stew plenty good to eat, dinosaur stew pretty good for you . . . ."_

"With the general's permission, that'll be enough" said Dr. Bellows, covering his ears. "Please."

"It's a great song, sirs, doctors" Breer insisted.

"There's no accounting for taste, young man" Bellows replied.

"You see, Colonel Wilkins, Agent Myers" General Wesley observed, displaying a record with the Gronk family's portrait in their stone-aged furs. "Does this seem like a cover for enemy agents?"

"I suppose we were mistaken" said Myers. "I believe we'll close the FBI file."

"And I'll report the matter already dealt with by NASA" said Wilkins reluctantly.

"Next time you're on a lead, check with my office" said General Wesley. "Or that of Generals Peterson or Schaffer at NASA Cape Kennedy. You'll find that we, in the space program, don't tend to let our rocket ships go missing for five months without major investigation."

Notes

(1) Meaning Major Nelson of _I Dream of Jeannie_.

(2) _Twentieth Century Here We Come_ , after Gronk steals a diamond from an idol, allowing the astronauts to go back to the future.

(3) _The Copper Caper, The Broken Idol_ and _Twentieth Century Here We Come_ feature some of these unusual substitutions.

(4) General Wesley suggests this theory in _Shad Rack and Other Tortures_.

(5) In _Twentieth Century Here We Come_ , the Scorpio E-X-1 suddenly appears on the military radar. This makes a good deal of sense, as it "suddenly reappears" in the twentieth century.

(6) _The Lady in the Bottle_ , the first episode of _I Dream of Jeannie_. In reality, Jeannie magically makes the helicopter disappear. Incidentally, why isn't Jeannie herself in this story? It would be far too easy if she were to magically come to the defence of Mackenzie and Canfield.

(7) _The Cave Family Swingers_


	10. My Favorite Reporter

**Chapter Ten My Favorite Reporter**

"It's nice to be free, and out in the fresh, smoggy Los Angeles air" observed Hector a short while later, once the General had informally ended the informal hearing. "Only I wish those Mps would have given us a ride home. It'll take forever for that cab to come this time of night. That Lt. Zachary Smith is sure a grouch! I don't think he lives too far from Mr. Tyler's apartment building. He could've given us a lift home."

"Never mind him, or about waiting for a cab ride" scoffed Mac. "Let's be grateful that the truth prevailed about us being loyal air force officers. And that no one's ever going to believe that you, Breer, come from anything aside from a _very_ old American family."

"And I'm not going to tell them how old" said Breer. "And believe me, no matter what happens, I'm not going to mope for the past again. It came to me how difficult things used to be, and how much of an . . . an imposition it'll be to everybody but father if we went back. Breer's . . . I mean I'm as twentieth century as . . . ."

"Television?" suggested Hector.

"Television" said Breer. "Even if Breer . . . even if I still have trouble with pronouns once in awhile."

"It's not easy to catch up on a million years of history" said Mac. "Nor is it easy to leave behind an entire way of life without any regrets. We wouldn't have taken you to the future if we hadn't ruined your place in your tribe."

"I've given it thought" said Breer. "And . . . I'm happy you did."

"I'm happy too" said Hector. "Especially about your sister Mlor.

"Yes, we know Hector" said Mac. "Wait, who's that coming up? It's that reporter for the _Los Angeles Sun._ Not a word, Breer."

A Chrysler convertible drove up the deserted street, stopping in front of the base, where the three were waiting for their taxi.

"Hey fellas" said the reporter. "My editor had a tipoff that the NASA brass was meeting here tonight"

"Any information on the doings on the base are classified information" said Major Mackenzie officially. "You may check with the press officer on the base in the morning."

"Come on, I even have a press pass. You know me?"

"It's Tim O'Hara" observed Mac.

"Yes" said O'Hara. "And, don't tell me. You're the two astronauts. Let's see. Major Mackenzie and Captain Canfield. And your friend?"

"Just a young friend" said Mac.

"I remember you, O'Hara" interrupted Hector. "You used to come around with your Uncle Martin O'Hara as your photographer."

"I did" said Tim O'Hara, with some regrets. "Only he returned home a few years ago, and I've been solo again ever since. But, come on guys. I'm not asking for classified information. Just if there's been a meeting of top brass. How about it, Captain Canfield?"

"Anything that goes on here is classified unless cleared for public release through the proper channels" said Hector, echoing Mac's statement.

"Wasn't it about seven years ago, Tim" said Mac plainly, "that you found yourself in a little trouble leaking classified information. When you covered the launch from the Vandenburg Air Force Base? And somehow found out about the UFO we spotted on our radar?"

Tim O'Hara remembered it well. How _he_ was suspected of spying and/or high treason. Well, he didn't want to go through that again. And, come to think about it, he didn't want to get any astronauts into trouble either. But who could have tipped Mr. Burns off about "important news"? And why, if the goings on were classified."(1)

"I guess I can take it up with the official channels" said O'Hara reluctantly. "You fellas need a ride home? Funny how you get to go thousands of miles into space, but need to wait for a cab."

Hector was about to accept, but Mac interrupted.

"Thanks Tim" he said. "But under the circumstances, we'd better not."

O'Hara nodded, and drove off.

"How do you think he found out about the meeting?" said Breer.

"There might be a serious leak" observed Mac. "We'll alert base security first thing in the morning."

"I'll bet it was that Smith" said Hector angrily. "He wanted the newspapers to be in on his triumph. Well, it backfired on the guy."

"I wouldn't doubt it" observed Mac. "I'd hate to have been in a million B.C. with him. Or even, say, lost somewhere in space."

"Yeah" said Hector. "Can you imagine? Lost in Space with Dr. Smith?"

Notes

(1) Tim O'Hara and his "Uncle" Martin were characters on _My Favorite Martian_. Tim O'Hara is suspected of spying and/or treason in the pilot episode, _My Favorite Martin_.


	11. Shad Plans A Wedding

**Shad Plans a Wedding**

An investigation into the leak was unable to find its source. Lieutenant Smith, in fact, had been formally transferred to the space program as something of a reward for his misplaced vigilance. Colonel Bellows, it seemed, had a great sympathy for doctors who jumped to strange and outlandish conclusions. (1)

It was a few days later. Hector was sprawled exhausted in an armchair.

"That Smith just finished putting me through the wringer" Hector complained to Gronk. "He's spiteful, just spiteful. Am I glad he's being sent to Houston!"

"What's Houston?" asked Gronk.

"Our main astronaut training base, over in Texas" said Hector.

"Whose train base?" asked Gronk.

"Astronauts" said Hector.

"You or Mac never explain one thing" said Gronk.

"What?" said Hector.

"Why you go into sky as astronauts? Very silly, say Gronk"

" 'Cause it's a fun way to earn a living" said Hector, bestirring himself enough to be indignant. "Every boy wants to go to space. So someday we can go to other planets, visit them and live on them millions of miles away. To make one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind. It's the best job ever!"

"Still silly" said Gronk.

Hector realized he wasn't going to get anywhere with this conversation.

"Is Mlor back yet?" he asked.

"Astronauting silly" repeated Gronk. "On other side of hill, Gronk hunt for foods and furs. Not go in sky to get little disks of metal and green paper to trade for food and fur."

"Oh, we do that because . . ." sighed an exhausted Hector, trying to remember why exactly money was better than a barter economy, "I don't know. Ask Mac."

Hector fell asleep snoring.

"Good" said Gronk, going to his bedroom. "It okay wife Shad, daughter Mlor, to talk about wedding plan again. Hector asleep."

"Mac took Breer to rifle range to help us" observed Mlor. "Oh, isn't it nice to hear Hec snore. Like sabre-tooth tiger."

"Like sabre-tooth tiger with bad cold" noted Gronk.

"She in love" Shad observed, closing the door to shut out the awful noise. "But this very good. On this side of hill, it is mother of bride and bride who plan the wedding. Hector stay out of our way while we make plans."

"We see plenty of good ideas in these books Pamela gave us" said Mlor.

"And such dresses for weddings" said Shad.

"Ugh" said Gronk, annoyed. "Gronk get out of way of hearing wedding plans too."

* * *

 **Notes**

(1) As a result of Bellows' many experiences in _I Dream of Jeannie_.


	12. The Wedding

**The Wedding**

To Hector, fell the honour of escorting his mother and sister home the morning of the wedding.

The older woman was short and plump, in an old fashioned flowered hat, long dress and elbow-length gloves. Hector's younger sister, Harriet, was a tall, smartly dressed brunette. She was a coed at Ohio State.

"I don't see why you don't have a proper military wedding" said Harriet. "What's the point of your being in the military if you don't get to walk under crossed sabres."

"I don't see why you didn't at least rent a church for your wedding, instead of having the minister officiate in the backyard of the house" said the elder Mrs. Canfield.

"Mlor's shy" said Hector. "We didn't want a big deal, Mom. And with me being an astronaut, the press would have been all over us. Even if we went to a church. It was this or eloping to Las Vegas."

"But with a big wedding we would have been in all the papers!" sighed Harriet.

"Yeah" said Hector ruefully. "On top of everything else, the reporters would want to know why Captain Canfield had to pick up his mother and sister at Los Angeles Union Station instead of LAX."

"You know I can't stand flying, Hector" said Mrs. Canfield. "How can I travel in those aeroplanes hovering thousands of feet in the air. There's something unseemly about it all. How you manage up in space I'll never understand. Why couldn't you be in the calvary, atop a horse?"

Hector groaned

* * *

"It's a nice house, Hector" said Mrs. Canfield, who started by checking for dust in the living room. "I'm glad you didn't waste the family's money. Now, where is the blushing bride?"

"You can't see Mlor until wedding" stated Shad. "But you can see Shad, mother of blushing bride Mlor."

Shad wore a conservatively cut dress, un-conservatively coloured purple with pink polka dots.

"Strange syntax" observed Harriet.

"That's how people speak in Nordania, Harriet" Hector said quietly. "And dress."

"I'm charmed to meet you" said Mrs. Canfield. "And an interesting choice for the wedding."

"Very beautiful dress" said Shad, putting on a matching pink and purple hat. "Don't have colours like this on our side of the hill."

"That's true" said Hector.

"Well, what do you think, Mother of Hector?" said Shad. "Sister of Hector?"

"It is a very colourful choice" observed Mrs. Canfield.

"Father of bride also dressed in fine colourful clothes" announced Gronk coming into the room. "I finally found clothes on this side of the hill I like. Maybe I wear clothes like these, all the time. Or maybe most of the time."

Gronk was dressed in a bright Hawaiian shirt, slacks, and a florescent tie with a hula dancer.

"Gronk look like a boss" said Gronk.

"See, I tell that Gronk can be made to wear clothes like on this side of hill" said Shad. "It only a matter of choosing the right clothes."

"Oh my!" said Mrs. Canfield.

"Oh, that's where Hector learn those words" said Shad.

* * *

The wedding was to take place in the yard, with the Canfields, Pamela, Major Mackenzie and Breer's current girlfriend as the only guests. The food was mostly catered, though some of Shad's delicacies were on hand. Mac warned the Canfields not to have an extremely spicy green concoction, through Harriet tried some after watching Breer gulp it down without any effect. (1)

"I warned you" said Mac, passing her a glass he had poured in anticipation. "It's what you call an acquired taste."

"It's real hot" said Breer sympathetically, "but you've got to have a cast-iron stomach."

"It's best you tried it" said Breer's new girlfriend, Dora. "Breer's mom has really out-of-this-world Nordanian recipes. They aren't all good, but they're something."

"You might be better off calling them Early American recipes" observed Mac sardonically.

"The earliest" said Breer.

"The earliest what?" said Tim O'Hara, walking down the hill from the front of the house.

"Why O'Hara over here . . . I mean what are you doing here, Mr. O'Hara?" asked Breer, crossing his arm. "This is supposed to be a private wedding."

"I was invited" stated Tim defensively, taking their photographs with a flashbulb that made the lot of them blink. "You won't mind."

"I invited him" said Mac. "One reporter now is better than dozens descending on Mlor and Hector, isn't it?"

"And Tim can be trusted" said Pamela.

"Especially since it means an exclusive for the _Los Angeles Sun_ " said Tim. "One more photo!"

"Besides" said Hector, walking over to pose with his mother and sister. "He promised to give us photos of the wedding."

The three Canfields put on beaming smiles for the camera, so beaming they looked unnaturally strained and forced. Tim O'Hara and Major Mackenzie managed to get them to tone it down.

The wedding ceremony went off relatively normally. The minister had met the bride and groom before the wedding and was aware of some of the "Gronksons" eccentricities. As for the bride, Mlor was traditionally dressed and taken down the aisle by her Hawaiin shirted father.

"Look like dress of my second wedding" observed Shad to Breer, as both were standing by the minister. "The one Mac and Hec throw for me" (2)

"Only this time the dress isn't made from a US Air Force parachute" best man Mac whispered to maid of honour Pamela.

As for Hector, he was busy looking dazedly at his blushing bride.

The vows went well, only Hector was so punch-drunk gazing at his bride that he didn't realize when it came his turn to say "I do".

"Hector" said the mother-of-the-groom sternly.

"Huh? I do!" said the love-sick astronaut.

"If there be anybody here who know a reason why these two should not be wed, let them speak now or forever hold their peace" continued the minister.

"You're a reporter. Does anybody ever come in to stop a wedding at this point?" Dora asked Tim O'Hara.

"Yeah, I wonder why they ask that?" added Breer.

"It's just for show" said Tim, though privately reflecting on his "near-shotgun wedding" a few years ago where he wasn't allowed to object (3). "It only happens on TV."

"Then" continued the minister, "by the power vested in me, I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the bride."

Hector and Mlor kissed for an almost indecent amount of time, enough for Hector's mother to stand up and kick her son on the shin.

"That comes later" Mrs. Canfield hissed.

"Ah, mother, we're married" said Hector.

"Your father, may he rest in peace, was the same" Mrs. Canfield ruefully observed to the giggling Harriet.

* * *

Tim O'Hara managed well in his double role as newspaper reporter and wedding photographer. It helped when Major Mackenzie reminded him that it being a sunny day there was no need for flashbulbs.

As for the elder Mrs Canfield and her new daughter-in-law, they got along famously. Why? Mlor was sufficiently quiet and deferential.

"But" said Shad to Gronk and Breer, "I don't like Mother of Hector called by name Mrs. Canfield.

"It silly here that people have two names or more" observed Gronk."

"There's a lot more people here than in our village over the hill" Breer suggested. "They need two names."

"That true" Shad agreed. "But that not what Shad's complaining about. Mother of Hector very bossy."

"Like Mother of Shad" observed Gronk, but under his breath. (4)

"This happy day. Shad not argue. But in times to come, Shad will be here to watch out for Mlor. Mother of Hector not be too bossy or Shad make her be nice."

"And you'll do it, mother" said Breer confidently.

"Thank you, Breer" said Shad.

"But she look sort of weak" suggested Gronk. "You fight her she hurt very bad."

"Don't worry" said Shad. "I make sure she not hurt . . . too bad."

* * *

Major Mackenzie worried about leaving Hector's mother and sister with the Canfields. Breer was the only one at home who would understand both the Canfields and his own parents. Breer was not only a boy, but he would be hotheaded if Mrs. Canfield became too overbearing.

"I have some leave coming" Mac told Harriet and the elder Mrs. Canfield. "How about we put you up at a hotel and show you around the area this week.

"A hotel in Beverly Hills" hinted Pamela.

"Beverly Hills?" said Mrs. Canfield. "Oh, that would be something."

"I'd love it" said Harriet.

"So would everybody else" said Mac. "So would we."

* * *

The time finally came when Hector and Mlor were to leave their families behind - and take a cab to the airport and Niagara Falls. An Ohio boy, Hector always viewed the nearby Niagara Falls, New York as the natural place for a honeymoon.

"There one more thing before we leave" said Mlor. "Please."

"But we don't do that over here" Hector protested. "I wouldn't feel right."

"Oh, Hector happy to do it. Make Mlor feel happy. Hector always dream of taking bride on honeymoon to the city by the big waterfalls. Mlor always dreamed of husband carrying Mlor away.

"Oh, okay" said Hector. "Anything for you."

Hector went around the house, running into Breer and Major Mackenzie.

"Here" said Breer, handing him his club, while giving a few practice swings. "I know it's considered a really ugly thing to do here, but it'll make Mlor really happy. It's smaller than my father's club, and you don't hit my sister all that hard." (5)

"She asked you to talk to me about it? Didn't she?" said Hector.

"It wouldn't be a wedding without it" said Mac.

"Not much of one" shrugged Breer, as the caveboy contemplated the fact that _he_ wasn't going to be clubbing his wife to be. Not unless he was prepared to spend several years in prison.

"Better do it inside the house" said Major Mackenzie. "You don't want anyone to get the wrong idea."

So Hector took Mlor into the house, pulled down the shades, closed his eyes, and as gently as he could tapped his wife with the club.

Mlor pretended to faint, Hector genuinely panicked and threw a glass of water in her face, and Mlor pretended to recover. The _Comedy of Errors_ ended with Hector carrying Mlor _outside_ over the threshold and into the now waiting taxi.

"Exactly like his father, rest his soul" Mrs. Canfield told the assembled company. "My, it does take me back."

"Did Hec remember to club Mlor?" Shad asked Gronk.

"Yes" said Gronk. "Breer lend him club."

"Oh! Shad very happy. That most beautiful part of wedding!"

 **Notes**

(1) The _Stone Age Diplomats_

(2) In _Me Caveman - You Woman_.

(3) _Keep Me From The Church On Time_

(4) Shad's mother visits in _The Mother-In-Law_.

(5) _Me Caveman - You Woman_ and _Have I Got A Girl For You_.


	13. Epilogue

**Chapter 13 Epilogue**

A year later, Hector's mother duly paid a visit to see her new grandchild Henry Canfield. The fact that she shared with Shad a dedication to the new baby eased Shad's temper a bit. So Shad didn't beat her up.

Shad schemed. _Hector's Mother nice in Hector's Mother's own way. Hector's Mother not be visiting too long. Hector's Mother loved home in Riverview too much. Hector's Mother not in good shape. Shad and Mlor mostly keep out of her way and let her fuss over baby. It nice plan, and let Shad and Mlor soon look after baby themselves anyway._

Sure enough, a couple of days of almost exclusively caring for the baby made Mrs. Canfield more amenable to Mlor being the primary caregiver. And after a couple weeks, she went back to Ohio on friendly terms with her strange new in-laws.

* * *

It came time for Major Mackenzie and Pamela to see Henry. Hector's best friend and commanding officer had been absent for a several months, on another secret mission. He had only recently returned, and had spent much of his time with Pamela. Absence having made the heart grow fonder, Mac and Pamela were now engaged. And now, following the effusive congratulations from Hector and Mlor, and the "Gronksons", they saw the new baby.

"What a darling little boy" Pamela gushed.

"The kid looks like you, Hector" observed Mac.

"He sure does" bragged Hector. "Everything about him is all-American and A-OK."

"Henry is a beautiful baby" said Mlor. "Everybody say so. Henry be a smart man like Henry's father."

"Or smarter" said Mac.

He took a closer look at the baby, black-haired with his father's dopey expression.

Oh well. Hector was smart enough to become a US Air Force officer and an astronaut to boot.

"A chip off the old block" observed Mac.

Mac took Hector aside while Gronk and Shad continued to look at the baby.

"Did you test him out? There might be certain hidden birth defects?"

"We ran the full gamut of tests in the hospital" Hector told Mac quietly. "Perfectly normal baby in every way."

"See his grip" Breer called over.

Mac obliged, letting the baby squeeze his finger.

"A strong palmer grasp reflex" observed Mac, rubbing his finger.

"He strong like grandfather Gronk" said Gronk.

"Yeah, he's that" observed Mac. "Normal in every way, Hector?"

"My nephew's normal enough" said Breer protectively. "It's a good thing he takes after his mother and her family a little. I mean, we're not stupid like Clon."

"I don't mind" said Hector. "I mean, how can I complain about Henry taking a little after his mother? And her family, Shad and Gronk and Breer are okay."

"More than okay." said Breer, bringing attention to his jacket, "Breer Gronkson's gonna be a freshman at USC in September. And someday, I bet, my nephew will follow in his uncle's footprints."

"Or follow his dad to Ohio State" said Hector.

"Or his godfather to Caltech for that matter" observed Mac.(2) "But great going Breer. I knew you'd make it. But, tell me, what'd you choose as your major?"

"Wait 'til you hear this" said Hector, laughing.

"English" said Breer.

"English?" said Mac. "English?"

"Well, I do well. I sort of like reading about the world. Fiction and real stuff both. It's real interesting what goes on "this side of the hill." And I finished with an A this year. Now that I finally clobbered those pronouns" Breer said.

"You clobbered the pronouns?" asked Mac.

"Yeah. _I_ did. _I_ use _them_ all the time without the least bit of trouble.

"Well," said Mac laconically, "it's about time."

The End

Notes

(1) _Our Brother's Keepers_

(2) In _The Sacrifice_ , Mac sardonically tells Clon "We need guys like you at Caltech."


End file.
